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On the MOPS Blog: “Gird Your Loins”

“I have seeds in my balls? How do they come out? Surgery? IS IT WITH A NEEDLE?!”

The sex talk went great, guys. Clearly I disarmed the situation like a champ.

It all started when we got a new dog. This sweet thing had been tied up and left to die by a dumpster. Apparently, he had not received a lot of care, so when we met him, he still had his big ol’ boy balls exploding from his rear like an orangutan. My kids’ eyes grew wide and I could tell they were trying to figure out this section of real estate they’d never seen before.

When we picked him up from the vet a few days later, those big globs were gone and my son wanted to know what happened to them. Was it an infection? Did an ointment clear it up? Nope, Son, those were his balls and we had them cut off.

“What are balls?” he asked innocently.

“Those things hanging between your legs,” I replied.

He grabbed those things hanging between his legs and looked at me in horror. I assured him he’d be keeping his because I do want grandchildren someday. Someday far, far in the future.

Fast forward a few years and he’s asking why he has the balls and what the balls are actually for. That’s when I decided to talk about seeds. I explained how boys have seeds and girls have eggs and it takes one egg and one seed to make a baby. And this is how we made him: Mommy and Daddy went to the good scientists at the fertility clinic, who took an egg and a seed and made him in a test tube. Which is a completely regular way to make babies that doesn’t involve a John Mayer CD and a bottle of Chianti.

In hindsight, “Your Body Is a Wonderland” might have been easier to explain, because hearing about the turkey baster and the shots and the test tube ended up sounding scarier. Go figure. I told him that Daddy would explain the ins and outs of how seeds and eggs usually get together. READ MORE…