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Coffee+Crumbs: Yesterday My Kids Got Along and I Almost Dropped Dead from Shock

Do your kids ever fight? Of course not, right? Your kids are perfect. You would never, for instance, awaken to the sound of three kids shrieking over who ate the last frozen waffle, first of all, because you would never buy frozen waffles in bulk much less have them fight about it. You probably arise early and craft nutritious bowls of organic homemade oatmeal for your tender young, and your children politely ask each other to please pass the raw honey and carefully drizzle it into their bowls.

We’re so the same, except it’s store brand pancake syrup and they’re screaming “GIVE IT BACK IT’S MINE STOP HOGGING IT OH MY GOSH MOMMMMMM” and I come downstairs and it’s like someone murdered Mrs. Buttersworth and she bled out all over the kitchen and I’m the CSI on the case walking around examining arterial spray to determine the killer. “See, this syrup splatter here indicates that the killer was 58 inches tall and held the butter knife at a 45 degree angle making sweeping downward strokes.”

My kids fight constantly. When other people mention that their kids fight, I always nod but inside I think, “Your kids can’t possibly fight as much as mine. Mine act like they’re auditioning for their own reality show.” I’m not sure what this says about me that I feel the need to have the fightiest kids of all the kids. (If your kids also argue incessantly to the point where you’re almost a little proud of their stamina, solidarity. Let’s meet in the chocolate aisle at the grocery store and just huddle together in absolute silence.)