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What It’s Like to Publish a Book

People keep asking me questions about having a book published, so in an effort to be helpful, I thought I’d just jot down here what it’s like to publish a book.  And I made you illustrations.

Imagine stripping down naked in front of the whole entire world.  You get your clothes off, then you just stand there with your bits and pieces hanging out for everyone to see.

Half the world ogles your junk and tells you what they like and don’t like about it.  This is both wonderful and unnerving.

The other half doesn’t care.  You’re standing there naked in front of them and they don’t look up.  This is depressing.

People tell you to shake your bits harder, to do a sexy dance to get noticed.  You give a little shimmy now and then, but it feels weird.

The one thing you can’t ever do is put your clothes back on.  You’re naked forever, whether people like it, hate it, or don’t notice.

You make eye contact with people and wonder if they’ve paid any attention to your nakedness and obsess over what they thought about it.  You simultaneously need them to describe their reaction in great detail and also never, ever say a word.

You get used to being naked and remind yourself that you like your book — er, body — and you’re glad you took your clothes off for the world to see.  Eventually you feel normal again.  A new, naked normal.

You find other naked people to hang out with and text dramatically when you start to feel weird again or freak out that no one’s looking.  Other naked people make you feel better and you want to stand as close to them as possible because they understand.

That’s what it feels like to publish a book.  Cheers.