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Strapping On Your Mom Balls

I talk about my balls a lot.  Mom balls.

I blame Saturday Night Live and Delicious Dish’s “Schweddy Balls” for my predilection for ball jokes.  So sometimes I eat them:


“I realize my balls are misshapen, but I promise they taste the same.  

I’m incredibly proud of my balls.”

And sometimes I give them to people:


“I’m bringing my balls as a hostess gift.”

And then I also talk about them in regards to having courage as a mom.  Strapping on your mom balls.  (I know, ew, but if having “balls” is the chosen metaphor for courage, then I want some.  I’ve heard “ovary up,” which is awesome, but my ovaries and I have been at war since I was eleven, so I’ll take figurative balls over literal ovaries.)

My husband, as supportive as a jock strap, teamed up with Junk Posse to surprise me with my very own set of unexpected balls to dangle around my neck.  When I wear them, just the “MOM” part shows, so most people will think I’m wearing an adorable Mother’s Day present from my kids, but we know the truth.

This is the flip side:


“Joshua 1:9

Love, Alex”

I mean, balls and Bible.  He knows me so well.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

This one would’ve been appropriate, too:

“Now, gird up your loins and arise, and speak to them all which I command you. Do not be dismayed before them, or I will dismay you before them.” -Jeremiah 1:17.

The NIV says “terrify” instead of dismay, and I have definitely been terrified of my children before, mostly when they’re finally sleeping and I’m terrified I’ll wake them up.  Next time I’m at a playdate and the kids start fighting, I kinda want to shout to all the moms, “GIRD YOUR LOINS!”

I posted a photo of my new necklace on the interwebz, and many of you wanted mom balls for yourselves.  So, since you all seemed to majorly appreciate my new necklace, I asked Alex if he could help me share some mom ball love with you guys.  It won’t be a necklace, because HE’S ONLY ONE MAN, PEOPLE, but we are cooking up something fun.  Let there be mom balls for all!

“And YOU get mom balls, and YOU get mom balls, and YOU get mom balls.  Everybody gets mom balls!!!”  -What happens when Oprah and Melanie morph into one energetic person

If you subscribe to, check your email on Wednesday for a a little package.  (Package.  I’m dying.  Who decided I could be a grownup?)

If you don’t subscribe (Why don’t you subscribe?  Do I smell?  Is that it?), you still have time today to make that happen.  You’ll get my mom balls gift, a secret covert email to my online “fourth-basers” once or twice a month, and an email when I publish a new blog post, so you don’t have to rely on Facebook to tell you.  This is especially helpful for that thing when you give up Facebook for Lent.

My daughter overheard me talking about mom balls yesterday:

Ana: What are “mom bowls?”

Me: (acting confused) Mom bowls?

Ana: You said “mom bowls.”

Me: (deciding repeating it is my best option) Mom bowls.

Ana: Yeah.

Me: Mom bowls.

Ana: It sounded like you said something else.

Me: (keeping with the repeating which seems to be working like a boss) Something else?

Ana: Sounded like…you know…those things we cut off JPEG (our dog).

Me: Oh.  Ha.  Right.

Parenting.  Nailing it.

Gird your mom bowls, people.  And check your inbox on Wednesday.


Need more balls?  If you preorder my book, Women Are Scary, you’ll get MELANIE DALE: UNCENSORED, which contains a whole chapter on mom balls.  Just sayin’.